Men Don’t Actually Like Women 

(And It’s Not Just a Vibe, It’s a Systemic Issue)

Let’s get one thing straight: obviously, not all men. If you still need that disclaimer, you’re probably one of the men I’m talking about... Anyway. 

As a system? As a society? Men are socialized to reject, resent, and ultimately dehumanize women, and then they have the audacity to ask why no one wants to sleep with them.

Masculinity Is Just an Elaborate “No Homo” Ritual

The way we teach boys to "be men" is actually just an endless tutorial on how to not be women. Masculinity, as our fine patriarchal overlords have constructed it, is basically one long, aggressive game of Opposite Day. Want to be a man? Great! Just spend your entire life making sure you are never associated with anything even remotely feminine. You know, things like:

• Crying (unless it’s about sports).
• Being emotionally available (unless you count trauma-dumping on women and calling it “deep conversations”).
• Enjoying art that isn’t about war or cars.
• Being clean. (Seriously, why do so many men act like soap is for women?)

Scholar and feminist theorist Bell Hooks lays this out in The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love. She explains that boys are conditioned to equate masculinity with domination, emotional suppression, and the general vibes of a guy who hasn’t been hugged since 1997. From the moment they’re old enough to form sentences, boys are told to "man up," to suppress emotions, and to run screaming from anything remotely soft, warm, or nurturing. In short: to be a man is to not be a woman.

Sociologist R.W. Connell takes this a step further in Masculinities, where she introduces hegemonic masculinity—a fancy way of saying the kind of masculinity that keeps power in the hands of men by making sure they define themselves in opposition to femininity. If being feminine is weak, then men must be strong. If being feminine is emotional, then men must be unfeeling robots with a crippling porn addiction. If being feminine is nurturing, then men must act like their own children are the bar patrons from Cheers—to be acknowledged only when convenient.

And how does society enforce this? With shame. Shame is the secret sauce that makes sure men stay emotionally constipated forever. Crying is for girls. Talking about feelings is for girls. Sewing, dancing, baking, enjoying anything soft? Girl shit. And being called a girl, of course, is the worst possible insult. Gee, I wonder why so many men grow up to be raging misogynists.

Men Are Taught to Desire Women, Not to Like Them

If masculinity is built entirely around rejecting femininity, how exactly are men supposed to respect women? Answer: they don’t. They learn to desire women, to compete for women, to use women as accessories for social status—but to actually like women as complex, interesting human beings? That’s a hard no.

Bell Hooks (again, because she’s right about everything) points out that patriarchy’s first act of violence against men is against themselves. "The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead, patriarchy demands they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves.” This emotional repression is then externalized, shaping how men interact with women.

Before they even get the chance to inflict their emotional repression onto others, they are taught that their worth is conditional—tied to their usefulness, their strength, and their ability to perform masculinity correctly.

Which brings me to something that slapped me in the face recently: how men are treated as disposable.

Men Are Replaceable, and The System Doesn’t Hide It

For most of my life, I didn’t think much about what it meant to be a man in a patriarchal society. I just know I wasn't a woman. Yeah, I knew there were expectations—don’t cry, don’t show weakness, be strong, whatever. But I never really felt what that meant until I got a letter asking why I never signed up for the draft.

I remember opening that envelope and feeling this weird, sinking realization: oh. I don’t actually matter. Not as a person. Not as an individual. As a man, my role in society isn’t to be cared for or protected—my role is to be expendable.

It hit me that if shit ever really hit the fan, the government wouldn’t hesitate to send me off to die. Because that’s what men are for, right? To be strong, to be useful, to be replaceable. The patriarchy doesn’t love men any more than it loves women—it just uses us differently.

And the worst part? A lot of men defend this system because they think it gives them power. They think if they just perform masculinity correctly—if they’re strong enough, successful enough, desirable enough—they’ll be safe. But they won’t. Because at the end of the day, we’re all just cogs in a machine that doesn’t give a shit about us.

The Socialization of Masculinity: Why Men Are Taught Not to Like Women

Welcome to today’s episode of Why the Hell Are Men Like This? featuring our favorite guest star: patriarchy. Ever wondered why so many men act like they’re physically repulsed by women while also dedicating their entire existence to chasing them? Yeah, me too. The short answer: Men aren’t actually socialized to like women. They’re socialized to desire them, own them, and prove their worth through them, but respect? Emotional connection? Actually enjoying their company? That’s for pussies.

The way boys are raised isn’t about teaching them how to be men—it’s about making damn sure they’re not women. Masculinity, as we know it, isn’t built on its own merits but on the violent, desperate rejection of femininity. The result? A bunch of emotionally stunted guys who would rather shove a whole remote up their ass than admit they enjoyed a rom-com.

Masculinity as the Rejection of the Feminine

If you’re a man and you’ve ever been told to man up, stop crying, or quit being such a little bitch, congratulations! You have firsthand experience with how masculinity is weaponized against boys from birth. Feminist scholar bell hooks explores this in The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love, where she explains how boys are conditioned to equate masculinity with domination, emotional repression, and aggression. If you’re feeling feelings, you’re failing at manhood. If you like “girly” things, you’re a disgrace. If you show any vulnerability, you’re inviting ridicule.

Sociologist R.W. Connell breaks it down further in Masculinities, where she introduces the concept of hegemonic masculinity—the dominant, socially accepted form of masculinity that defines itself entirely by not being feminine. And what’s the best way to ensure boys internalize this? Good old-fashioned shame.

Shame is the patriarchy’s Swiss Army knife. It’s the primary tool used to make sure men reject everything associated with girlhood—crying, emotions, nurturing, having hobbies that don’t involve Call of Duty or lifting weights in a garage. Men must constantly prove their masculinity by shitting on femininity. And if femininity is weak, pathetic, and embarrassing, then how do you think they’re going to view actual women?

The Dehumanization of Women as a Byproduct of Male Socialization

Here’s the problem: If men are raised to believe femininity is disgusting, irrational, and weak, how exactly are they supposed to respect women? Spoiler alert: They don’t. They learn to tolerate women, to use them, to pursue them as proof of their own status—but actually respect them as people? Nope. Because doing so would require them to see women as equals, and nothing in their upbringing has prepared them for that horror.

As bell hooks puts it, "The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead, patriarchy demands they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves.” And once they’ve done that, what’s left? A bunch of men with the emotional depth of a wet paper towel who process their trauma by taking it out on the nearest available woman.

Feminist philosopher Kate Manne, in Down Girl: The Logic of Misogyny, expands on this, explaining that misogyny isn’t just a set of prejudices—it’s an enforcement mechanism. Boys aren’t just taught that femininity is inferior, they’re conditioned to punish women who fail to conform to their expectations. This is why so many men will pursue women but resent them for having thoughts, needs, and opinions that aren’t centered around their dicks.

TERFs: Misogyny’s Unpaid Interns

Now, you’d think women would be leading the charge against this shit, right? Enter TERFs (Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminists), the self-appointed hall monitors of womanhood who are so obsessed with policing gender that they end up reinforcing the exact same misogynistic ideals they claim to oppose.

Take J.K. Rowling, for example—once a beloved author, now the poster child for exclusionary feminism. Her public statements have been widely criticized for promoting transphobic views. For instance, in June 2020, Rowling mocked the phrase "people who menstruate," implying that only cisgender women experience menstruation. This perspective erases the experiences of trans men and non-binary individuals who also menstruate, thereby invalidating their identities.

Furthermore, Rowling's support for Maya Forstater, a researcher who lost her job over transphobic comments, underscores her alignment with exclusionary ideologies. By endorsing views that deny the legitimacy of trans identities, Rowling contributes to a culture that devalues the personhood of trans individuals, exacerbating their marginalization.

Harmful Consequences of TERF Ideology

The impact of TERF ideology extends beyond rhetoric; it has tangible adverse effects on women's rights and safety:

1. Alignment with Conservative Agendas: TERF groups have increasingly collaborated with conservative and right-wing organizations that oppose broader feminist goals, such as reproductive rights and protections against gender-based violence. This alliance undermines comprehensive feminist advocacy by prioritizing anti-trans agendas over the collective advancement of all women. 
2. Erosion of Support Systems: By excluding trans women from women's spaces and services, TERFs weaken the support networks essential for all women facing discrimination and violence. This exclusion fosters division rather than unity, hindering progress toward gender equality. 
3. Perpetuation of Violence: TERF rhetoric often dehumanizes trans individuals, making them more susceptible to violence and discrimination. This dehumanization contradicts the feminist principle of opposing all forms of gender-based violence. 

TERFs argue that womanhood is defined solely by biology—because nothing screams feminism like reducing women to their reproductive functions. As Judith Butler points out in Gender Trouble and Undoing Gender, this kind of biological essentialism is just patriarchy with a pink paint job. If womanhood is strictly about XX chromosomes and baby-making parts, then congratulations: You’ve just agreed with every misogynistic man who’s ever said a woman’s worth is in her womb.

We cannot ignore how TERFs constantly buddy up with right-wing misogynists. You know, the same people who want to force women to carry unwanted pregnancies, take away their rights, and shove them back into 1950s housewife servitude? If you find yourself on the same side as men who think feminism went too far, maybe it’s time for some self-reflection.

As Julia Serano explains in Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity, TERFs don’t just hate trans women—they hate anyone who disrupts their rigid, outdated ideas of gender. Which means they’re not just harming trans people; they’re screwing over butch women, intersex people, and anyone who doesn’t fit their idea of what a “real woman” should be. Sound familiar? It should—because it’s the same gender policing bullshit that misogynistic men have been using for centuries.

So yea, fuck J KKK Rowling.

Women as Status Symbols, Not Partners

So if men don’t actually like women, why do they chase them? Simple: Women are trophies, not people.

Michael Kimmel, in Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men, explains how young men are socialized to see sexual conquest as a measure of masculinity. Women are there to be pursued, conquered, and displayed like a limited-edition sneaker. They are proof of a man’s worth to other men, not individuals with thoughts and feelings.

This is why so many men will say things like “I love women!” and then turn around and degrade, objectify, or outright resent them. They don’t love women. They love the idea of women as accessories to their own self-image. And if a woman doesn’t serve their ego? She’s dismissed as a bitch, a gold digger, or too much drama.

The Cycle of Dehumanization

At its core, patriarchy doesn’t just dehumanize women—it dehumanizes men first, so they can go out and pass the abuse along. Men are taught that their value lies in power, control, and emotional numbness. Then, when their lives inevitably feel hollow and unfulfilled, they blame women instead of the system that robbed them of real emotional depth.

Feminist theorists have been screaming about this for years. Susan Faludi, in Backlash: The Undeclared War Against American Women, documents how men in power constantly blame women for every social problem, rather than confronting the actual structures of oppression. Economic downturn? Women’s fault. Declining birth rates? Women’s fault. Global warming? Probably still women’s fault, somehow.

Breaking the Cycle

The solution isn’t for men to just be better—it’s for all of us to burn the entire patriarchal playbook. Masculinity doesn’t have to be about rejection, dominance, and fear. It can be about connection, vulnerability, and actually enjoying the company of women without seeing it as a threat to your masculinity.

Judith Butler, in Undoing Gender, argues that gender isn’t some divine truth—it’s a performance shaped by societal expectations. Which means we can rewrite the script. If we stop teaching boys that femininity is an insult, maybe we can create a world where men don’t just pursue women, but actually respect them. Hell, maybe they’ll even like them.

Wouldn’t that be wild?