Benevolent Misogyny in Pop Culture: How "Nice Guy" Syndrome Reinforces Sexism

Men who claim to love and respect women but are actually misogynistic often fall into the category of benevolent misogyny—a subtler, more insidious form of sexism masked as admiration or protection. Basically, the rom-com version of a red flag.

It’s the sweet-talking, door-holding, woman-"respecting" guy who somehow always ends up making the decisions, hogging the spotlight, or flipping the script the second a woman steps out of line. It’s not always loud or aggressive. In fact, that’s the point. This brand of sexism wears a polite smile, quotes a Rupi Kaur poem, and still manages to treat women like supporting characters in its personal growth narrative. These men may outwardly express support for women while still upholding patriarchal values that limit women’s autonomy, reinforce traditional gender roles, or subtly devalue women’s voices.

This subtle form of sexism has been a staple of mainstream media for decades. While it might feel more obvious in older shows (Friends, Buffy, How I Met Your Mother), it’s still lingering in the shows we stream today. And yeah, I might be aging myself with these throwbacks, but let’s be real—they’re still streaming, still memeable, and still influencing how people define romance, power, and gender dynamics.

For the sake of progress, let’s take a look at how these benevolent misogyny tropes are still hanging on.

Signs of Benevolent Misogyny: What to Look for in Media and Real Life

Here’s what to look for—both on screen and in real life:

"Protective" but Controlling: Limits women’s freedom under the guise of concern.
The Pedestal Trap: Idolizes women in theory, resents them in practice.
Selective Feminism: Loves empowered women... as long as they still clean the house.
Defensiveness and Fragile Masculinity: “Not all men!” echoes louder than the woman speaking.
"I Love Women, But...": Respect ends where disagreement begins.
Objectification Disguised as Compliments: “You’re not like other girls.”
Dismissive of Women’s Anger or Pain: “You’re overreacting” is not a rebuttal.
Fake Allyship: Loud at rallies, silent when it matters.

Okay, let's dig in.

Examples of Benevolent Misogyny: Why "Nice Guy" Characters Are Problematic

Ross Geller (Friends)

Ross is a walking masterclass in "protective but controlling" behavior. He loves Rachel, sure—just not enough to trust her with her own decisions. Remember the "we were on a break" saga? His obsession with control (jealousy over her male coworkers, refusal to support her career moves) is masked as romantic devotion.

What we’re really seeing is insecurity dressed as love. He constantly pedestalizes Rachel while resenting her independence. Ross is the human equivalent of "I support women’s rights... but not their ambitions." Classic benevolent misogyny.

Xander Harris (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Xander supports Buffy... as long as he’s not romantically threatened. He’s the "friend-zoned" guy who thinks being "nice" entitles him to a girlfriend. He resents her power while pretending to champion it—and let’s not forget his weirdness with Dawn. The show tries to play it off as harmless big-brother energy, but some of his lingering stares and comments are more unsettling than sweet.

Think: Ted Mosby, but with more stake-puns, questionable boundaries, and a shocking lack of empathy when it comes to Anya. He treated Anya less like a partner and more like a consolation prize—someone he settled for because she was there and he was alone after the who mess with Cordy and Willow. He often mocked Anya's quirks, diminished her efforts to grow, and ultimately left her at the altar, not because of some grand moral crisis, but because he couldn’t face the vulnerability that comes with commitment.

He mistreated Cordelia, publicly humiliating her and then expecting sympathy when he cheated on her with Willow. On to Willow. The only reason he didn’t completely destroy that relationship is because the writers "resolved" the tension by turning Willow gay and conveniently erasing her bisexuality. For someone who claims to value women, he sure had a habit of devaluing the ones who chose him, and the narrative rarely held him accountable for it.

I could go on and on about how much Xander sucks—but let’s move on to Ted.

Ted Mosby (How I Met Your Mother)

Ted’s entire identity hinges on finding “The One,” but his version of love rarely involves actually seeing or valuing women for who they are. Instead, he projects fantasies onto them—especially Robin.

He spends years trying to reshape her into his ideal, ignoring her clearly stated boundaries, ambitions, and her desire to live a child-free life. His romantic history is a trail of women who were never enough—not because of who they were, but because they weren’t Robin.

Then comes the kicker: after dragging his kids through a long, convoluted saga of failed relationships, it's casually revealed he’s been in love with Robin all along. He doesn't even have to ask for their blessing because "They love Aunt Robin!" Barf. How great that they don't feel like he was using their mother as a placeholder. It’s less How I Met Your Mother and more How I Settled Until Robin Was Single Again.

Doofy impression of Ted: "Gee, kids, did you know that while I was building a life with your mother, I was also lowkey wishing she was Robin? But Robin didn’t want kids, so I used your mother as a womb, and now that I’ve got what I wanted and she’s gone, I’m gonna go try and win Robin back like she’s just been sitting around waiting for me."

I can’t believe I’m still mad about this. Anyway—onto my last example.

Gale Hawthorne (The Hunger Games)

Gale is the classic performative ally. He claims to respect Katniss’s leadership but only when it aligns with his agenda. He exhibits nearly every hallmark of benevolent misogyny: he’s "protective" but ultimately tries to control her decisions, places her on a pedestal while simultaneously expecting her to be emotionally available to him, and grows increasingly resentful when she doesn’t return his affections.

He constantly centers himself in the narrative, weaponizes his pain, and attempts to make Katniss feel guilty for asserting her own autonomy. Strategic possessiveness, dressed in rebel chic indeed.

You want examples? Let’s take a quick trip through The Hunger Games books and films:

In Catching Fire, Gale kisses Katniss without her consent and justifies it as an expression of how much he cares. That’s not romance—it’s coercion with a side of rebellion.
In Mockingjay, he gets increasingly possessive and emotionally manipulative, especially when Katniss refuses to center her emotional world around his pain.
And of course, the big moral chasm: his proposed bombing strategy that ends up killing Prim. When Katniss confronts him, he deflects and rationalizes instead of taking real responsibility.

And look—I’ve heard some people say Katniss did Gale dirty. That she should’ve ended up with him. First off, ew. Second off—she didn’t "do" anything to him. She literally spent the entire series saying she didn’t want to "do" anything with anyone because she had bigger things to worry about.

Yes, she had feelings for both Peeta and Gale, but romance wasn’t her priority—survival was. She wanted her family to be safe, and Gale ruined that, didn’t he?

For a guy who says he wants to fight for freedom, he sure doesn’t respect a woman’s freedom to not choose him.

Positive Examples of Male Allyship in TV and Movies

Al Borland (Home Improvement)

Al is often the butt of the joke—he’s sensitive, kind, and doesn't perform masculinity the way Tim "The Toolman" Taylor does. But Al is a quiet revolution in flannel. He listens to women. He respects them. He gets mocked for it constantly—by the show and the audience—but he keeps showing up.

He’s autistic-coded, overly literal, and out of sync with macho expectations—and that’s exactly why he’s good. He’s not performative. He’s intentional.

Here’s just one example: In the episode "Look Who's Not Talking," when Tim makes a sexist joke, Al deadpans, "Just because she's a woman doesn't mean she's wrong, Tim." It cuts through the show’s macho posturing and flips the punchline back onto Tim’s outdated worldview.

Eugene Porter (The Walking Dead)

Eugene starts off as a coward, a liar, and emotionally stunted. But when confronted with his treatment of women, he learns. He doesn’t double down. He listens. He grows.

One of his clearest moments comes in Season 10, Episode 20, when he apologizes to Rosita: "I’ve been selfish, and deluded, and I was never the friend you deserved." It's a rare, refreshing moment of male accountability—he doesn’t beg for forgiveness, he simply acknowledges and begins to change.

Peeta Mellark (The Hunger Games)

Peeta is the antithesis of toxic masculinity. He supports Katniss’s leadership, defends her agency, and doesn’t compete with her pain.

When he tells her, "You don’t have to treat me like a wounded dog," he admits that he’s been punishing her subtly for not reciprocating his feelings—and owns it without putting it on her shoulders. He doesn’t view Katniss’s strength as something to challenge. He views it as something to admire.

Perrin Aybara (The Wheel of Time)

Perrin is thoughtful, physically strong but emotionally open, and constantly questioning the violent expectations placed on men. He listens to women without condescension. He feels deeply, and he supports without expecting anything in return.

When he kneels beside Egwene and tells her, "Whatever happens, I will protect you," it isn’t dominance—it’s support. And when she asserts her independence, he simply nods and steps aside.

Later in the series, we see this emotional maturity continue in his relationship with Faela. Even in the face of attraction and grief, he doesn’t push for connection or demand intimacy—he respects her boundaries, holds space for her pain, and doesn’t center his own. It’s a rare portrayal of a man who understands that desire doesn’t entitle you to someone’s body or trust.

When Faela accuses him of being overprotective, Perrin calmly clarifies that he isn’t trying to control her. He explains that he’s being tactful, not dominant, and he proves it by trusting her to have his back in battle. Instead of trying to shield her or make decisions for her, he treats her as an equal, showing that real respect means recognizing strength in others without feeling threatened by it.

Are We Getting Better at Representing Healthy Masculinity?

Honestly? A little.

Media is slowly moving away from the "benevolent misogynist as heartthrob" trope, but it often stumbles into shallow "girl boss" montages that don’t actually model real male allyship.

If pop culture wants true progress, we need more nuanced men—men who listen, who learn, who support powerful women without resentment.

Because the future isn’t female. It’s collaborative.

And it’s long past time we gave boys better role models.

Why Calling Out Benevolent Misogyny Matters

This isn’t just about sitcoms or zombie dramas. These characters shape what we normalize. They teach us to forgive performative gestures and mock real growth.

Calling out benevolent misogyny isn’t about hating men. It’s about challenging the systems that reward toxic masculinity. It’s about asking men to not just say the right things—but to do the hard things: step aside, listen, and grow.

Ever encountered someone like this? Ever been someone like this?

Good. That means you’re paying attention.

Now what are you going to do with it?

Keep Reading

If you found this breakdown interesting, you might also like this post about why so many men don’t actually like women.
It explores how the patriarchy teaches men to desire women without actually liking or respecting them—and how that dynamic ultimately harms both men and women.

Shameless Plug

If you made it this far, first of all, you have excellent taste.
Second, if you like stories that actually get complicated characters, power dynamics, and emotional growth, you might love my debut novel, Valley of Wolves.

It’s a coming-of-age supernatural thriller with messy friendships, queer romance, shifters, and a heavy dose of small-town secrets.
You can check it out right here. Valley of Wolves

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